I went to pick up "The Dress" on a Saturday. And quite naturally David's Bridal was a zoo. As I looked around at all the brides to be, both young and old(er), I marveled in all this. The dress, the shoes, the bridesmaid/maid of honor/ matron of honor dresses, the alternations, the this, the that and the other.
Weddings are definitely a business. And I must admit I am caught up in the wedding business right now.
My list consists of: booking the wedding site, choosing & buying decorations, picking out the MOH dress; finding shoes that are cute - but won't won't hurt my feet & the list goes on. Music for the 'first dances' - the first dance with my husband (wow - 233 days until this he will be my husband--- but I digress go) & the first dance with my brother, his first dance with his mother. Just like every other bride, I suppose, I want everything to be 'perfect'. That said, since I tend more towards realism in my life - I know that not everything will be perfect. Stuff happens. Life happens.
But there are a few things that I am focusing on in hopes of perfection. They are the vows; my dress; the tux; the processional music; and the favors. Now the first 4 on this list probably strike you as normal. But you got to the 5th one and thought "Lord, she is off her rocker. Why try to make favors perfect?"
I have spent countless hours on-line looking at wedding favors. I've considered: measuring spoons with cute sayings like "Love Beyond Measure" (but if you don't like to cook, this probably isn't practical) ; a candy bar with jars of red & silver candy that guests can scoop into little boxes or satchels, (but does everyone really like candy?); coffee flavoring in cute bottles and Hershey's kisses in cute little satchels (figuring the folks who love coffee will like the flavoring & those who don't like coffee will like the chocolate). There have been so many other ideas...
And I am going a little nutty trying to figure this out - but I'm still firmly on my rocker. You are probably thinking "they are 'just favors'--- people won't remember them after the day is over.
But really, they aren't 'just' favors.
They are so much more; they are an expression of my love for each and every guest. They are my way of saying "thank you for your prayers", "thank you for believing in me", "thank you for loving the very flawed me".
You see, these people are my family. Some by blood, others by choice. These are the people who believed in me when I couldn't or wouldn't believe in myself. These are the people who believed I would be successful in business one day. They believed that I was, & am, a good mother. They believed I was doing my best - even when I couldn't pay the rent, or the electric bill, or the gas bill - AGAIN!
These favors symbolize a heartfelt token for all the wonderful people who have supported me over the years. If not for their kindness, their prayers, their listening ears and wise words, I would not be where I am today.
These people all, at one time or another, did me a "favor". They probably thought it was small.
Those 'favors' over the years, especially the difficult years, were the manifestation of Jesus in everyone who chose to care for my boys and me.
Have you heard the saying: "You may be the only Jesus someone sees today"?
On that day when someone said a prayer for us, gave us food, mentored me so I could be promoted (to at least make ends meet), Jesus was shining through.
When someone watched my baby for free while I worked at night to buy the older boys Nike sneakers that they wanted sooooooo much. When someone gave my children toys on Christmas when I simply couldn't. Jesus was shining.
When someone took my sick baby ever so gently as I stood in Children's Hospital ER crying so hard, I couldn't see. Jesus was in the arms of the stranger who hugged me & assured me my baby would live.
I could go on and on about the 'favors' people did for me over the past 25 years, but you get the picture. And I'm sure you understand why having the exact right wedding favors for my guests is so very important.
Those favors should say...
"Thank you for allowing Jesus to shine through you so I could see Him through my clouds of gloom!"
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| THE DRESS! :-) |
My dress is in.
THE DRESS!
Next step: Alterations - and lots of them! Yes, this dress has to be altered to fit just right. Nips here, tucks there, raising the hemline, creating the bustle.
I have at least 20 more pounds to loose before getting the first alterations so I won't be starting that process until at least June (the end of June, according to ShareCare.com - LOL).
I don't want the look of the dress to change, I just want it to fit me perfectly and for that to happen alterations must be made. Kind of like my life...
I like my life. I don't really want it to change, but I know it will be a better fit for me & for us with some alterations. Nipping the "divorced" category from my life and tucking in "married" is what I now want - what I am ready for today that I wasn't ready for before. Sealing our current status with a blessing & a prayer (& a piece of paper) is what I now want.
Together we can hem up the issues of our lives. We can pull into a bustle up all those things too big to put in a hem.
We will still have issues - after all what is life without a few issues to make it interesting? :-) But they will be contained and dealt with rather than flying all over the place and tripping me up. And it is easier to deal with issues when you are not dealing with them alone. Two heads are better than one...
Alterations ...
Going from Ms. to "Mrs."
Going from Divorced to "Married"
Going to "Mom of 3" to "Mom of 4" (no "steps" in my world)
Going from mine to "ours"
Going from baked fish to fried fish
Going from "crazy Catholics" to "hmmm... maybe there is something to this..."
Going from "I don't do church" to "sure, I'll come with you"
Going from lonely to "me time"
Going from caring for "me & mine" to caring for "us & ours"
Going from painting any color I want to listening to another's opinion and not cringing when walls AND ceiling was painted blue
Going from no hot stuff in any of the food to hot stuff in some of the food
Alterations...
To marry in the Catholic church, if you have been married before, one must go through the annulment process. It can be short or long and arduous. But whether short or long, the process is a pain, and I do not see I see its' value.
Annulments examine the processes and activities undertaken prior to the previous marriage with the goal being to determine if the first marriage was a sacrament. This right here is a problem. While I know some people who "should have known better than to marry ..."; most divorced people I know will tell you that they weren't abused, their former partner wasn't unfaithful prior to the marriage, that there were not real signs that the marriage was doomed to be one of the 50% of marriages that end in divorce.
Most people I know say that they tried and tried to make it work. They say that even when they finally got divorced, they still loved/hated (opposite sides of the same coin, if you ask me) the former spouse. Most people I know say that they changed over the years and were genuinely unhappy with no happiness in sight at the end of the tunnel.
To make matters worse, if you are marrying someone who isn't Catholic and who is divorced, their marriage has to be annulled as well. Well! Try explaining that to a non-Catholic! From a non-Catholic perspective, it is none of the churches' business what happened in their past. And by the way, I totally agree!
So...
Dear Catholic Church:
Here ye, Here ye!!! Marriage AND Divorce are hard! From the outside looking in, it may seem easy, but it is not. And while I frequently hear "oh, they just didn't try hard enough" or "they gave up to quickly" or (my favorite - NOT) "divorce is so easy today that people jump right into it"... I have yet to meet any divorced person who agrees with these statements. And I know A LOT of divorced people.
Catholic Church, I love you, I know how good and great you can be, but I also know that you can be wrong and hurtful. I am on the receiving end of the hurt right now - and really, I don't see Jesus in this process, so I have a few things to say...
You, my beloved church have never been married, nor divorced.
You, my beloved church do not know the pain felt when the decision is made, or thrust upon you, to end the dream that you dreamed for such a long time --- even when the dream has turned into a nightmare.
You, my beloved church, can read all the books, listen to all the stories, hear about the joys and the sorrows, but until you have walked in my shoes, you will never know what it was like.
You can no more "know" about marriage than you can "know" what it is like to go through child birth!
Yet, you believe that you can make a decision about people's lives based upon your formal education and training. Let me tell you, nothing matches or beats EXPERIENCE when it comes to marriage and divorce. NOTHING. It is hubris that allows you to think that you have all the answers. No one has all the answers except God. Not you, not me, not the pastor of any parish, church, synagogue, mosque or temple. NO ONE HAS ALL THE ANSWERS EXCEPT GOD.
Have you not learned that the hubris you exhibit is doing damage to the people who are trying so hard to follow Jesus, to worship in the church He commissioned that we now call "Roman Catholic"?
On the issue of annulment I believe you are blind. How can you see the speck of dust in the people's eye when you have a timber in yours? Do you not remember our history? The horrible mistakes made in the distant and recent past? The leaders of the church thought they were right at those times also. Hubris!
Is this really what Jesus meant you to do when he gave the keys to the kingdom to Peter? Jesus wanted you to set up the annulment process? Really?
Would Jesus ignore the pain of so many - self inflicted or not? Really, you think the answer is "yes"? Really?
Would Jesus put up barriers to the blessing of a new marriage when the old one is legally gone and the former spouses have moved on? Really?
It is hard for me to believe the God of Love that I have come to believe in more and more each day would sanction this action of the Church - any more than God sanctioned The Crusades or movement of 'troublesome' priests from parish to parish.
I don't believe that a love for Jesus and your fellow human beings is at the core of the annulment process. I believe it is yet one more error made by the leaders of the Roman Catholic Church, and while the error won't be corrected in time for my wedding to be blessed by the Church, I have faith that one day it will be corrected. Until that day, I will pray that we, as a church, will exchange the hubris for compassion, understanding and love.
There is enough hubris in this world... we need not add to it.
Sincerely,
Every Person In Pain Over This Arbitrary Process
I was writing a check this morning and looked at my signature. I have had my last name more than half my life. I have had this name ever since I was an adult.
This name.
The name that belongs to my sons.
"We are.... and we do not act like that", I would remind my sons at least a thousand times through their adolescence. Even though my marriage had ended, the name was important... it linked me to my adulthood and linked my boys to their dad and his family.
In less than one year, for the first time in more than two and a half decades, my name will change. For the first time, my sir name will be different than my sons' name. And with the name change will come a change in my life.
I will no longer identify myself as "divorced"... "Married" will be my new pick when filling out forms.
I will be some one's wife. And while by no means is that bad, it is strangely surreal to me at this moment. I will be part of a union ... the Mrs. in the "Mr. & Mrs."
Surreal. Just surreal...
I've been on a diet since March 20, 2012. I have eaten what I like, but less of it. Some days it has been extremely difficult & other days, it's fine. The reality is not only do I like to eat, you must eat to live. Eating isn't like smoking... you can't just quit, so learning how to manage what I eat is my best hope for a non-obese life.
While on this dieting journey to my perfect size, I have realized a lot of things about food, diets & all the "advice" I've read about dieting... and most importantly why dieting didn't work for me in the past. So below are the first dozen things I learned thus far...
#1- Not only do I like to eat, I HATE - got it???? H A T E to exercise! Really, I do hate it! And by exercise I mean "going to the gym", "running", "jazzercise"; "walking 60 minutes a day", "walking on the treadmill"; "sit ups"; "push ups" or any other thing that I was forced to do in gym class so many years ago.
#2 - "Exercise" actually means "movement" - any kind of movement... So while I don't walk every day, I do try to go "play in the dirt" at least weekly. Pulling weeds, transplanting flowers and shrubs, carrying bags of mulch & soil around the yard is movement, therefore counts as "exercise". And, cleaning the bathroom, mopping the floor, vacuuming, washing windows, even cooking & going grocery shopping are considered exercise. When I log all my activities into a tracking tool & see how many calories I burned, I feel like I've accomplished something. It's motivating!
#3 - From a purely volume perspective, I really didn't eat all that much - but from a calorie perspective - well, it's no wonder I got so big!
#4 - In order for the scale to move in the right direction, I MUST limit my salt intake and I MUST drink water. The least little bit of salt winds up pushing the scale up 1 or 2 pounds in a day! And while I know it is "water weight", if I'm honest with myself, it is still discouraging to see the scale creep up even a pound... So--- I am trying to remove it from my diet & it isn't easy.
#5 - I must weigh myself daily - at the same time & on the same scale & the scale must be in the same exact spot on the floor. I do this to focus on weight change - and deviating from any of these can cause the weight change to not measure accurately! I find it so odd that if I move my scale to the left or right, that my weight will change - within seconds - so there is something to this theory - for me at least. I'm a science focused person, so I do need to see changes in the scale and be able to correlate them to my food intake--- No once a week weigh in for me - been there, done that & failed.
#6 - I do like vegetables. And while I prefer pasta, potatoes and rice (in that order), I really can do without a ton of it if I have good veggies on the plate as well. I toss them in olive oil, add some seasonings & roast them to bring out the sweetness or the intense savory flavor. Meat - well, I can take it or leave it...
#7- I eat candy when I want to eat candy - like today after a particularly hard day at work, I went to the store and got 1 Snickers bar. The key is that I can't buy the pack with lots of little candy inside because if it here, I will eat it! Same goes for muffins - so I will only be making these on Saturday when I know I will be taking them to church to share on Sunday!
#8 - While I am much bigger than I want to be -( I've got between 40 & 50) more pounds to go, I feel great that I have actually lost 30 pounds! I don't look like I want, but my good curves are beginning to show again and that is a good motivator to choose my foods wisely.
#9 - Kitty was right. After 12 weeks on the diet it got considerably easier to stick with it. I've been on for almost 6 months & with the exception of when I am baking, I dono't really feel deprived.
#10 - 10 pounds lost does not correlate to 1 pants size! That's nuts. I have lost 30 pounds and I have only went down a little over 1 pants size! I have lost plenty of inches off my waist, but my hips, thighs and butt are moving at a much slower pace. So while plenty of people say "throw the scale out & watch your clothes"... that would never work for me! I don't loose weight in a specific spot... I loose weight all over. so while 20 pounds lost did show up in my face and my hands (my ring started slipping off), it didn't show up that much on the lower half of my body. Without the daily scale, I would have never been able to stick with this process so long. I need my scale! I'm even thinking about taking it on the cruise with me in 8 weeks!
#11 - To be successful, I have to be fanatically strict about my food when I am traveling! Eating in airports is rarely good for me. Too much salt and sugar... just too much of everything! I have to make sure I eat before meetings (so I can avoid the muffins, bagels & croissants they always put out around 9:30 or so). And I have to drink water! For some reason when I eat junk while I'm traveling it seems to send the scale up faster than when I am home... Odd, but I've found it to be true (for me at least).
#12 - So going back to the beginning... after 6 months, I still hate exercise & won't be doing any "standard" exercises any time soon ( or ever!). I have, started living like I did pre beseness (that might not be a word -lol)... I did not get in the car to go to a store that was a 1/2 mile away. I did not sit for 9-10 hours a day without taking time to eat lunch - even if lunch was only a slice of pizza!; I did not eat pasta every chance I got. I did however, eat popcorn at the movies, I ate something every morning & I ate lunch every day. Dinner was often skipped because I truly wasn't hungry. I enjoyed the outside & enjoyed the neighborhood. I went dancing, I tried new things. In essence, I moved more. And since I have now hit the inevitable plateau, my plan is to move more!
I watched him as he tenderly picked up one of the puppies and stroked its' soft coat. I listened as he spoke ever so softly. And I looked at the expression on his face. The expression was one of kindness, one of adoration, one of compassion, one of selflessness.
At that very moment I remembered why I love him so.
These are not the qualities that I see in the busyness of every day life - but they are the ones that are there inside him. Sometimes they have to crack the shell to get out - but they are there... These are the qualities of love - - - the ones that I remember whenever I am anxious about getting married again. The ones that bring me peace... and joy.
September 11, 2001. A day I will never forget, nor understand.
I was sitting in my office in Westerville, OH going about my day. All of a sudden a woman walked hurriedly by saying something about "we've been attacked". I didn't know what she was talking about. I went into one of the rooms with a TV and looked up & saw a plane flying into the World Trade Center. My first thought was "Oh my God, that poor pilot" because surely the pilot must have had a heart attack & went off course & the plane ACCIDENTALLY flew into the tower. I assumed it was a small plane - not a jumbo jet. I worried about the pilot, the [probably few] people on the plane and certainly for the people in the office building. Undoubtedly some people were hurt - if not killed. "Lord Have Mercy" , I thought.
But then, another plane went into the building & I realized that "we" were being attacked. Now I am simply mad! Who the hell would fly a plane into the WTC? What the hell is wrong with people? Are human beings just getting more ignorant and cruel by the second? Grrrrr! Whatever idiots were flying those planes surely didn't have a beef with all the people inside the buildings or the city that I love so much! How dare they destroy so many lives in the blink of an eye! I don't give a crap what happened to them that upset them! How dare they????!!!! Idiots!!!
Then I saw the towers begin to crumble, people screaming and running in terror. I saw the firefighters and police officers doing their jobs & knew that each of them were in harms way.
And I thought of Sammy--the man who I married & bore 3 sons with. The marriage that years later collapsed and shattered my heart into a million pieces - leaving me hurt and angry at him, his family & the whole messed up situation. At that moment - at the moment I saw the towers begin to crumble, I worried about that man. He was a NYC police officer. He could be down there in that mess, that rubble. My children had already lost him once through our less than amicable divorce... my God, were they going to loose him to death? Death at the hands of idiots, no less! Everything in me now turned from anger for the idiots flying the planes & compassion for the people who had died... to terror!
Terror not borne of fear for my life, but terror that came from the possibility that my children may loose their father! "Dear Lord", I prayed, "PLEASE TAKE CARE OF SAMMY!" Tears welled up in my eyes as I thought about the possibility that my boys would have to endure any more pain. Hadn't their lives been difficult enough by the divorce, by me moving, getting sick, being poor, etc., etc., etc. "Please God" I continued to pray, "please don't do this to my boys". And so I tried to call him but the lines were down. I called every relative and friend I had in the NYC area (which were all my relatives!). Couldn't get through.
So I went home. To be with my boys. To pray and pray and pray! To ask the Blessed Mother to pray for Sammy's safety. To ask the Holy Spirit to guide Sammy's footsteps. To ask St. Michael to protect him from death. To ask God to spare my children this pain.
We sat around the TV watching the horror show over and over--- it was painful, but we could not look away. I recalled the bombing at the WTC years earlier & the smugness I'd felt in 1993 ("of course 'they' can't take down the WTC with a bomb! Idiots! ") I didn't feel very smug now... quite the contrary... vulnerable!
Two days past before we would hear from our family. No immediate family members were lost - but we all seemed to know someone who either worked in the towers, or was a fire fighter, police officer or paramedic who was hurt or killed. No one had talked to Sammy... not even Stacey. And as I realized that Sammy may indeed be hurt, the pain and anger of the divorce subsided and I was recalling only good memories of this man who I had once loved. I was remembering all his good qualities... all those reasons why I had said "I do" so many years earlier. My pain from the past dissolved. Unconsciously, I let the past go.
My heart grew heavy - even as I assured my boys "don't worry, your dad is fine! He is just busy & can't get to a phone. He is helping people." They didn't believe me and with every hours' passing I was beginning to not believe me.
And just as all hope was beginning to slip away, he called! Alive, safe, unharmed.... he had been in Staten Island when this all occurred - in the station house --- the "1 - 2 - 0" as the cops called it - doing paperwork! Thank You God!
Relief swept my entire being. The boys relaxed. I said a prayer of thanksgiving; and then went back to praying for the dead - for the innocent and the "guilty". I turned the horror show off & rather than dwelling on "those horrible people", I began to dwell on all the children who would be without their parent. And I prayed for them.
I still pray for them today & for all children who have lost a parent.
I have come to realize that while I have not given my children the idyllic life that I dreamed of giving them, they are still fortunate because regardless of anything else, they have always had their parents - parents who love them with every breath we breathe.
Today I continue to pray for the children who lost their parent to this senseless violence. I continue to thank God for sparing Sammy the wrath of death. And I thank God for allowing me to let go of the pain of the past.
I will never understand why any of this occurred - but I continue to believe that God has a plan--- for the living and dead. He is the writer who does not need backspace, delete or spell check.
HE'S got this...
