Ahhh...Vacation! Hmmm....Vacation? And...I'm Melting :-)

On vacation we went...

I wasn't sure what to expect. 
 
We'd certainly been away for a day or so together before, but never for more than that--- never with the express notion of "being on vacation".  So, the fact that we were on vacation was a big thing. 

Forget about the destination..."Being on vacation" means different things to different people.  To me, it means...

• sleeping in ---in a king size bed with soft sheets. 
• Getting up in the morning & just lazying around for a while with my coffee.
• Taking a long hot shower - while the room is cool, so when I get out the cool air hits my skin!
• Brunch in a nice restaurant--- not worrying about the cost of every single thing--- and not worrying about the calories of every single thing that goes into my mouth.
• Sitting on a park bench, watching the world go by... admiring the differences in sights from my normal day.
• Visiting places or things that I have never seen before - or that I did see before & am dying to take you to because I just want you to see what I see.  (This is such a dangerous thought when you are engaged to oil and you are water! LOL)

I wasn't sure what "being on vacation" meant to him... But I was about to find out.

Well! It turns out that other than "sleeping in" - (he gets up before the chickens--- before the roosters!!!  EVERY DAY!), "being on vacation" meant doing what I wanted to do - no questions asked (wow!).  It meant...

• not being upset every time we hit a bump in the planning road. 
• going into museums and letting his guard down so he could enjoy the displays... not focused on race, gender, the economics of the artist - or the moment... preconceived notions were left at the door so that when he saw beauty, he could actually see it!  And appreciate it!  And now he is hungering for it!  Longing to see the miracle of "simple" blown glass formed into something that beckons your head to turn in it's direction;  to see artifacts from people who lived so long ago; to hear the majesty of history & determination by humans to come back from disasters even stronger; to know the hope that they certainly "should not" have had - yet they did.    
• getting into the hot tub that was overflowing with chlorine "just to see" if it would soothe our aching muscles
• swimming - because it is the exercise I can do that doesn't make my back scream with pain
• giving me a kiss even when I have 'coffee breath"
• It meant not worrying about every cent - not going overboard --- simply appreciating our good fortune to be able to get away.

Little did I know that this vacation was his gift to me...

"Don't you want to ...?" I'd ask;

"We always do what I want to do, let's do what you want to do." he'd reply. 

 

At that very moment, all my cares melted, all my fears about becoming a "wife" and he becoming a "husband" melted away... because loving someone gives you a warm feeling inside, but being loved & appreciated by that someone makes your insides melt. 

And... I'm melting... :-)

The world needs more of these people!

A few weeks ago, Polly Anna told me she had skin cancer.  While I was with her I tried to make light of this... "it's treatable/curable", I'd say.   "Don't worry - God would never take my best friend away--- see, Polly Anna - it's all about me!" I'd quip.  And she would still worry, but for a minute she would smile.  Hopefully it bought her relief from the constant worry that comes with cancer.

Today, Polly Anna went to the doctor for a follow up & got "really, really good news".  When I read this on her Facebook post, I sighed with relief.  Not only because I didn't want to see my friend suffer with this terrible disease, but more importantly because I know in my heart what a special person she is.

The world needs more people like Polly Anna!  The world needs people who...

• For their birthday celebration ask everyone to bring a winter hat that she can then drop off at the homeless shelter. 
• Worry about their neighbors and go out of their way to make the lives of the less fortunate a little better
• Is a good mother to their child & other's children when their parents are unable to care for their babies properly
• See the beauty all around us
• Are not afraid to step outside  of the world into which she was born to get to know someone else - whose ideas and ideals were not so conventional
• Will hold the single mother's hand when she is wracked with fear that her children are going down the wrong path - where Polly Anna says and BELIEVES that "it will be okay"
• Will allow their children to follow their dreams --- respectfully & responsibly
• Sees the positive EVERY   SINGLE    DAY - regardless of her circumstance
• Believes in first loves and second loves
• Believes in true love
• Will be their friend's cheering section - because she knows it is what the friend truly wants - even when Polly is not so sure
• Who will work bingo in a smoke filled room for 4 years to ensure their child received the eduction of her choice
• Who walks the walk and talks the talk when it comes to most everything - but especially [Catholic] Social Justice teachings...
• Value the love of a family - given or chosen.

I could go on and on about Polly Anna.   I have yet to meet many people like her in my 50+ years of life.  Not that I haven't met good people - I have...  But there is something very special about this woman.  I can count on my fingers how many people I have met like this in my life.  Polly Anna is  unique.  Her faith in action is unique.  

She not only sees the good in everyone, she sees the potential, the promise, the hope and the joy in each and every person she encounters.  In short - she DOES see Jesus in every person she meets.  

The world needs more people like Polly Anna - many, many more. 

For now, I am happy to call Polly Anna my friend - and I am indeed blessed that she is in the world I inhabit.

Dear God - Thank you so much for keeping Polly Anna safe!  We really need her!"

Thank You

Just thought I'd say "Thank You" to the man that I love...
Thank you for cutting the grass
Thank you for edging the grass - something that looks so nice, but I would never do
Thank you for getting the 25 bags of mulch out of the truck, even though you were tired
Thank you for washing dishes
Thank you for cooking the fish
Thank you for fixing the car
Thank you for vacuuming the dog hair
Thank you for having the sense of smell as good as a drug hunting blood hound
Thank you for putting up the ceiling fan
Thank you for moving the boxes into the living room, then into the basement
Thank you for hanging the picture in the right spot - just a little bit over
Thank you for painting the deck
Thank you for painting the walls especially since you hate to paint
Thank you for pulling up the smelly carpet from the basement floor
Thank you for pulling the staples and nails out of the stairs
Thank you for smiling
Thank you for noticing the 22 pounds lost just when I needed it to be noticed
Thank you for loving me with or without the 22 pounds
Thank you for choosing the ring I would love - classic, simple & elegant
Thank you for never forgetting to say "thank you"
And most importantly, Thank you for BEING THANKFUL FOR US!

A House vs. A Home

So apparently I didn't know the difference between "light coffee" and "light yellow"... cause my walls upstairs are light yellow & I could have sworn that little swatch was a light coffee color.  Surprisingly enough, it is pretty.  Not too bold, but not pastel either... it is just right.  This shower curtain never looked this pretty when it was hanging in my master bath!

Isn't it funny how when put in a different light the same item can look different.  I think that goes for situations as well.  Take this whole fire thing... Originally I thought I was going to have a short (but complete) nervous breakdown from the stress of getting the house put back together, not to mention paying the un-budgeted deductible.  When I looked around I could see "messes" every where.  I stressed about the clothes that the cleaners took - leaving me with my work out clothes and business dress clothes; leaving Don with simply 2 work outfits!; leaving us with no towels or washcloths, etc.  There was soot every where & drywall dust.  It stunk like a chimney!   And I was so tired of saying "I'm so sorry that there is noise in the background.  I'm having some work done on my home"!  It didn't look or feel like the house was ever going to be put back together... It looked and felt like a disaster!

Yet, here I am 2 months after the fire and the house looks wonderful.  Freshly painted walls, new plush carpet, new appliances & new hardwood floors... Plus even the ducts were cleaned out (I would have NEVER paid to have that done!).

While the construction was going on, this place was still a house, but it definitely was not a home!  Now when I walk in, I see a home. 

The house is relaxing again. It is my sanctuary.

This is again the place where memories were made and will continue to be made.  The walls will get marred (hopefully one day by "little hands"); the beautiful hardwood floors will get scratched from dogs, furniture & simply life; the beautiful stainless steel appliances will get covered with grease from the frying of fish; the oven interior will be stained from the lasagna that boiled over - or the cake that overflowed because I thought "It won't rise THAT much" lol; and the dust will come back...  Life will occur in this house.  Living will occur in this house.  And that is good - very good.

The light has changed in the past 2 months... And while I always said I wanted a "home" rather than a house, these past two months have accentuated that feeling!  The light has changed.  A HOME is critical to my happiness, to my peace of mind, to my ability to relax.  I will no longer take these walls for granted, because I have had a glimpse of what it would be like to have only a house, but not a home & I didn't like what I saw. 

This home... Our home... Don, the kids, the grand kids & me... Our home is important for all of us & I will treasure it more now that I ever did before!

My House and My LIFE in Transformation

Humpty Dumpty is almost put back together again!

Today we picked out wall color.  No more dirty, flat ugly walls upstairs.  The rooms will be a calming light café-au-lait color. 

The floors will be covered in light brown shag carpet - yup, I said "shag".  Not a long shag (like in the 60s).  I honestly think this will look nice - and it will hide dirt (my #1 criteria for carpet).  It's called "Shimmering Shag" and it's a soft color, not bright like they were when I was a kid. 


My color is between the top & second color... not too dark, not too light.


















And praise God, the rest of my new appliances will be here soon!  It will be great to be able to bake again!  No more frying food - yeah!

And my brand new wood floors (our treat to us!) will be here in a few days.  Within one week, I will have a totally transformed house.

And as I think about my transformed house, I am thinking about my transformed life. 

I've come a long way.  Twenty four years ago when people said "you should get married so you have someone to help you raise your boys", my answer was "Marriage is like death!  You do it once and that's it!"  And I was dead serious... the end of my marriage was beyond devastating when it was happening and for many years to come.  I was suicidal for the longest time, unable to bear the excruciating pain.  I am only alive now because my desire for release from the pain was not as strong as my love for my wonderful sons.  I was determined to not leave them, as I had been left. 

Once I was able to not let the pain consume me 24 hours a day, once I stopped crying myself to sleep every night, I promised myself that I would never give my whole self to someone like that again and besides, I didn't think I was worthy of that type of love anymore (having screwed it up the first time!).

Now, today, here I am.  Twenty four years later with a life transformed... And it's all because I wanted to 'date' - NOT marry.  I didn't want anything serious... I figured I had raised my boys and now I needed some adult companionship to spend time with... after all, eventually my boys would be gone.

So onto Match.com I went... and after some funny dates & meeting some nice guys and some jerks, I met Don.  He too was not looking to get married again... "Perfect" I thought.  We can have fun without any pressure.  We will live in the moment. 

Time traveled on and we went from just dating to a little more serious, then to a lot more serious.  And while we eventually decided to live together, we didn't decide to get married.  I had determined that I was good with where we were... I never brought up the word marriage.

But then he started talking about it... little things, here and there... and I routinely changed the subject.  What we had was good, I thought... Why throw in the monkey wrench of marriage?  Plus I still had a child at home... A grown child, but my child still the same.  Marriage & kids... that had warning signs all around my head.

And then an opportunity came for me that would allow me to travel for work.  I jumped at the chance, since one of my mottos is "have passport will travel".  And so I began.  Going from here to there to everywhere...Gone for a week or two at a time.  Sleeping in hotels (and sometimes airports).  Eating fast food or bland airport salads.   Finding out that I was missing him more than I thought I would.

Missing that wonderful smile and that strange elf laugh!  Missing him complaining about the sandwich Brandy stole 2 years ago!   Missing him ask me why when it is 90 degrees in the house that I have to have the sheet on me or I can't sleep - even while I sweat!  Listening to him tell me yet again, "well I don't know any Black person who does..." and me thinking -"he needs to increase his social circle!  He's in a box & doesn't even know it!"  Just Missing Him!

I sometimes think that God put that job in front of me so I could be away from him for periods of time so I would think about what it would be like if we stopped living together.  Eventually I realized that I wouldn't want to be without him.  But then fear (or the devil) took over so I didn't venture into 'marriage', I just stuck with the status quo and didn't give the future much thought.  I was living in the moment - yet I was beginning to wonder about marriage, about what that would be like.  I was wondering if I could do it again?  If I should?  I wondered if he really wanted to get married or were his little comments just comments and nothing more... I wondered what my kids would think, what my brother would think.  I wondered about my stuff, his stuff, our stuff... I feared that my feelings would change. 

Then on January 6, 2012, he asked me to marry him.  And with those 4 little words "Will you marry me?", all those fears vanished.  I looked at him and knew that he loved me & that I loved him.  Those words transformed me...

I have a pre-January 6th self and a post January 6th self.

My post January 6th self has taken the lessons of the past with a hope to never repeat them.  My post January 6th self knows that while there are no guarantees in life, and that life without transformation is not life.

Busy as a Bee

 

A while ago, a friend gave me these slippers because, she said, I was as always busy as a bee.   While she may think so, I don't think I fit into that category any longer.  I did fit in that category when my boys were younger.  I was always moving... always doing something.  And even when I was scared to death, lonely, worried, happy, sad or mean, everything I was doing (in my mind) was important... because I was a "mommy".  I was raising my sons.  I was doing the most important job that God gave me... I had failed at being a wife, but I was determined that I would not fail at being a mother.   

Today, looking back at my "buzzing days" I would have done many things differently --- to make my sons' childhood happier.  But I did the best I could at the time.  And I prayed A LOT!  Today, I look at my sons and think "Wow! Prayer works!" 

And every day I am grateful for my babies that have grown into wonderful men... But then again, every day, I miss the sounds of those little feet running in and out of the house.  I miss cooking for them.  I miss watching them grow up.   

And, they did grow up.  And now, I have 3 grand children & one on the way.  In my mind's eye years ago, I thought that once I had grand children that I would be able to fully enjoy them!  As I pondered - I thought of all the things I would one day give my grand children that I was not able to give my children.  I thought of the candy I would feed them - not worrying about a sugar high (LOL).  I thought about how I would side with them when their "mean dad" wanted them to cut the grass, clean the bathroom - or pick up their dirty socks.  "Poor little baby" I would say.  "I don't know why your dad is so mean." I would chuckle. 

So far...

one little girl,                                                         

& two boys

  and one on the way



Unfortunately, they live in Texas & Florida... not Ohio.  Not where I can hug and kiss them all the time.  Not where I can sit outside and talk to them one on one.  Not where they can come spend the night at Gram's house (or as Tehtum calls me "GrandMom").  I feel like I am missing out... I am missing little feet running around, I am missing out on first words, first steps - a myriad of 'firsts'.  And that makes me sad...

But I am lucky because I know that my sons and the women in their lives are good parents ---- and there is FACEBOOK! 

While I can't see their "firsts" up close and personal, their moms keep me up to date - and for that I am VERY grateful...

I am no longer "busy as a bee", since I don't have little ones to care for, to watch grow... But now, I'm another kind of busy...

Planning a wedding, ensuring my house gets put back together, enjoying my opportunity to work at a job I truly like, traveling to states I would probably never voluntarily choose to visit, (i.e. Mississippi, Arkansas or Georgia) and of course, loosing weight!

And while I do miss my grand children, I can look down at these slippers and remember my buzzing life.  Thank God for memories... & thank God my friend gave me these slippers that remind me so much of my buzzy days. 

Wedding Venues... the Planning Begins!

So we have started looking at venues to have our reception (and maybe wedding - who knows). 

We've seen an old mansion in Delaware called Andrews House.  The hard wood floors, the fireplace, and the beautiful staircase were all things that caught my eye.  And because it is used as a place to care for those in need during the week, I felt good about supporting such a wonderful and important mission.  Yet, when we went in, it was beautiful, but obvious that it would not meet our needs.

We've driven around and looked at places like Ohio Wesleyan.  The outside is gorgeous - the pictures would be great.  But we haven't seen the inside yet. 

While getting my hair done, I pondered the Columbus Museum of Art, but quickly gave up when I saw that space rental ranged from $1,000 to $4,000 (yup - four thousand dollars!!!!) for an evening affair.  I've thought of the Columbus Downtown Library--- but not only is that a bit too "Sex in the City-ish", it is probably outside of my budget as well.

I looked at Franklin Park Conservatory in a magazine - and it looks wonderful - but I suspect out of my price range --- but I'm going to check anyway. 

I've thought about the room under the theatre at St. Charles...  It was a pretty room, as I recall and the pictures would be wonderful!

Last week we looked at the Council for Older Adults here in Delaware.  And I was pleasantly surprised at how nice the room was - and how informative the event director was.  And again, our money going to help a worthy cause makes me feel warm inside.

The last place I looked at (so far) was Brookshire.  Haven't been inside yet... Just looked at the web site. 

I continue to look at venues... and I'm starting to form a picture in my head of this day...

Arriving at HRSJ







Walking down this aisle



Hopefully it will start this way.... we Catholics are the "church of rules" I know - so while I am hoping this will be the aisle, I know it might not be because sometimes our beloved church is on an isle of her own.

No matter the beginning, the reception tables will be draped in white linen...a cobalt blue table runner will call hold a floating candle and gifts for our guests.


Our guests will arrive to a warm and inviting space.  Casual yet elegant.  Inviting.  No bling.  Music from our world - R&B, Jazz, Line Dancing Music.  Aromas of the delicious meal to come will waft through the air.    

The sounds of happiness, joy, peace & laughter will fill the air.  Lots of "how are yous" & "hmmm good food" and probably some "lord have mercy, I thought we'd never get here!" will be said.  

And when all is said & done, Don & I will look around at our family & friends.  We'll see them having a good time... And we will say "Yup, it was worth it". 

That's my vision... Two people destined to be together.  Two people with friends and family supporting their every step.  Two people who are declaring their love before God and all.  Two people wanting to say "Thank You" to our loved ones with a party.  A party that is casual, elegant, inviting. 

And at the end of the night... two people who will look at one another and say "Yup!  It WAS worth it!"