Thursday, March 20, 2014

Changes Are Coming - & My Kitchen Smells So Yummy!

A few weeks ago, as I thought all was well  with my small little world, my system was about to be shocked to it's core.  I called my boss for our weekly update and he told me that my position was eliminated - translation: I was laid off!  My head spun.  My heart went into shock and the more he talked, the faster it beat!  When he asked if I had any questions, I said 'no' in as calm a voice as I could muster.  I hung up & told my colleagues & staff, then D.  To everyone, except Hubby, I appeared very cool.

Impacted, but not overwhelmed by the enormity of it all.  "Oh well, I knew this was coming" (which I did), I'd say.
"Well, I really wasn't happy making widgets anyway, that was supposed to be temporary", I'd honestly reflect.
"At least I have severance", I'd say trying to focus on being thankful.
"I needed a break anyway", I muse with a smile on my face & in my voice (funny how that works).

But to Hubby... poor Hubby, I was a zombie.  Not talking.  Just walking around in a fog!  Tossing and turning all night.  Dreaming about everything bad that could possibly go wrong.  Every morning for the past few weeks when he woke me to say good bye, I'd jump - and yelp!  Every thing was scaring me - absolutely everything!

But as afraid as I was, I started down the path of updating my resume, networking and applying for new positions.  MANY new positions within my old company - after all, I didn't want to be unemployed... I wanted to stay with the same company, work from my home in my jeans and slippers, and continue to receive my paycheck - a paycheck that I'd not been without for more than 20 years!  But apparently life had other options for me!  I did not find another job with my company before my final day.  I was officially unemployed!

While I went through the motions of updating my resume and trying to think of an introductory statement that outlined what I could contribute to the perspective company, I just stared at the blank screen!  I wasn't even sure myself!  So, I thought - 'perhaps this is a time for me to think about what I really want to do'.  After all, for the last 25 years, I'd been doing what was best for everyone else... don't get me wrong, I liked my job & was VERY fortunate & blessed to have it.  BUT... when I was a little girl, I didn't dream about being a director in a Fortune 25 company.  I dreamed about being a wife and a mother...

I was going to get married & have children and stay home and raise them.  I was going to go to school plays, be the class mom and have my kids' friends visit often.  I was going to cook everyday for everyone.  And we were all going to live happily ever after! :-)  Not the typical dream of a "smart" girl growing up in the 60's.  But those were my dreams.  And for some years - but no where near enough, I was fulfilling those dreams.  Life happened and that dream ended.

Now, it has occurred to me that while I do not want any more children, unless "grand" precedes "children",  I would like the opportunity to play "wifey", if only for a while... You know, that woman who eats chocolates all day, cleans the house, cooks the meals, shops, doesn't worry about bills & supports her husband's chosen career with a happy smile & sugary sweet attitude.  Don't ask me where I ever got this dreamy image...LOL... I don't recall knowing anyone like this from my childhood-and I guess that is why they are called dreams!

Anyway, a few days ago I dreamt of a song our choir sings with words coaxing us to lean on Jesus.  When I woke that morning, the terror that was encompassing me for the past 2 weeks had left.  I wasn't happy... but I wasn't scared.  I was no longer terrified.  (Not sure why, I still have bills to pay & a household that needs 2 incomes!)

All that said, since that day, I have thought about what I want to do now.  "Wifey" will do for about a week or so, but any longer than that & I"ll probably be nuts.  When I think about what I like to do, what I LOVE to do, it is to COOK & entertain!

Nothing makes me happier than having our home filled with friends and family, sitting around our big dining room table sharing a meal.  I'm happiest when I'm cooking & ensuring everything is 'just right' - whether it's a pork loin; garlic chicken; crown roast; candied sweet potatoes; apples - galore cake; rice & beans; macaroni and cheese; banana, cranberry or chocolate muffins... I want it all to be perfect!  And I work hard at getting it as close to perfection as I can.  And all the work that goes into reaching for perfection is well worth the outcome.

So, why not take my love and turn it into a career?  Into a business?  I am thinking about it... hard.  Everyone who has tasted one, raves about my muffins.  


The silky texture, the multitude of fruit, the chunks of real banana and the exploding blueberries.  All that said, I know that selling muffins to help pay for tuition is different than selling muffins to pay for household bills.  I need plans - a business plan, a marketing plan, a communication plan.... LOTS of plans!

So... I am going to begin  planning.  I WANT this path, but I'm not sure if it is the right path so I'm treading lightly.  I'm going to take the same path I took when I decided so many years ago to start to date... I'm just going to take one tiny step forward and let Him do the rest.

Wish me luck!