Saturday, May 19, 2012

Waiting for the Weight To Drop...

I'm waiting for the weight to drop off.  Most days I get on the scale praying for some miracle to happen... I'm praying that the 70 pounds I gained years ago will magically disappear & I can get my clothes on!  Well, so far, I've been getting on the scale for 8 weeks - every day while I am home...Some days I'm thrilled (those are the days that the scale is moving in the right direction).  Other days, I'm aggravated - when for the past 2 days I'd eaten salad & hard boiled eggs, yet I've GAINED weight!  Then there are the days I'm just resigned to "well at least I didn't gain any weight".  On my best days, I think "I've already lost ____ pounds & I only need to loose an average of one pound per week to get to my goal. Thus far, I've lost 11.6 pounds - not bad for 8 and a half weeks - but with summer coming and our wedding in 2013, every now and again I get nuts!  So I started thinking about why... after all, I don't remember Don saying "I will only marry you if you loose 70 pounds"...

Weight & women is such an odd phenomenon in this country.  The sixties ushered in anorexic thin, while the 40s and 50s pin ups portrayed women with hips and breasts (imaging that -a woman with hips and breasts!).  Now we are in the 20-teens and while all the mass media claims to tout "healthy" as the way to be, I don't see it in the pictures. 

Really?  She is Plus Size?  REALLY????
Recently, I saw this photo of Rachel Ray  and the commentary said she was "Plus Size"!  Really, this is plus size?  Now no doubt about it, I AM plus size - but this picture portrays a 'plus size'?  How ridiculous! 

The pressure to be thin - to maintain the body of an athletic 16 (or younger) year old girl is silly...

I am 50.  And unless I work at it very, very hard, AND have bariatric surgery, I'm NEVER going to have my 16 year old body back.  And while I want and need to loose weight to be HEALTHY, I don't think I want my 16 year old body back.  That body was "cute" and insecure.  Today I want a body that reflects sophisticated, mature ('wise' not 'old), approachable, easy going, attractive & graceful.  At 16 I was none of those things!  Perhaps my fat has made me realize that these qualities are really better and much more important than "thin thighs".

At 50, 3 sons, a daughter in law, 3 grand children and 1 on the way, I think I've earned some of my fat! (Notice I said 'some" - even I realize this is way too much fat!).  I raised my sons into wonderful young men... I made the best home for my boys that I could...I worked as hard as I could to succeed in my chosen career... I've said "oh crap, I can't believe I made the same mistake again!" many times, but never gave up trying to get better... I ate Ramen Noodles when they were babies, trying to keep the roof over our heads and ate Ramen Noodles when they were older trying to pay tuition bills... YES, I've earned some of my fat!  I believe that 10-15 pounds over the "ideal" weight should be considered compensation for getting to 50 - yet alone getting to 50 after raising 3 children on my own!

In 2013, I'm getting married.  I'll walk down the aisle, (or around a wooded path - I haven't decided about this wedding thing yet ) with my brother at my side.  I won't be a svelte size 10, I won't have deep brown hair with natural red highlights.  I won't have thin thighs - luckily I'm not getting married in pants! LOL.  But ---
  • I will have... Gray around my temples and maybe streaming through my hair that will be done just so by "the little girl at church who does my hair".  Those grays will remind me of the hardships of the past & to be thankful for all today & tomorrow gives
  • I will have... Wrinkles around my smiling eyes and lips - signaling that "I have enough experience to get this right this time"
  • I will have... Three sons, and the loves of their lives with my grandchildren sitting right there with smiles on their faces - proud of & happy for, their mom. 
  • I will have... My brother, who helped raise me before and after my mother was gone; who, with tears in his eyes told me "mama died" and every day after that, he allowed her love for me to radiate through him. 
  • I will have... My best friend - who when I said "This is never going to work" &" I'm going to be miserable forever & I guess I deserve it" &" I just can't" she always said "God's got a plan, just pray" & "you deserve someone good who loves you - God's working on him" and "of course you can".
  • I will have... A body that while not "cute",  hopefully will be seen by Don as "beautiful".
  • I will have... A man who I love and who loves me - fat & all!  
Yes, I'm still waiting for the weight to come off.  I am going to exercise while I am traveling to nudge that scale in the right direction... I'm doing this because for all the things I have today - a loving fianc√©, family, and friends, a nice home, a good job - I am grateful.  And I want to take care of myself so I can continue to experience them all. The most prevalent lesson of the last few weeks was and continues to be: TOMORROW IS NOT PROMISED TO ANY OF US!

So, I continue to wait for the weight to come off but I know that when I'm 'done with this diet' - I will still have 'fun fat' - and that's okay.  And the "thin thighs"... well, I'll just have to wait for heaven to experience those again.